Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
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i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
the chicken was already gone when I got here
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Me looking for something to eat….
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Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist