The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
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“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.