I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
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The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Why is everyone getting married at me
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.