GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
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reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
No, I don’t think I will.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
thank god the sign was there
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry