idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
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I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Meowchelangelo
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I’m dying louder than usual today.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
doing some research
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”