Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
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Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Just had my nails done!
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone