If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
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dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.