@BaconPotPie

If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.

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@sofarrsogud

ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.

@ericsshadow

CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.

@Loli_Sug

Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

@PunLovinLad

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

@XplodingUnicorn

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

@PostCultRev

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

@

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

@ObKeeng

15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.

@sageboggs

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or