*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
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The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
This kid is a star!
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.