“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
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Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.