Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
You Might Also Like
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids