Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
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What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
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Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.