I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
You Might Also Like
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
sistine chapel
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think