sistine chapel
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FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
me: i鈥檓 sad about this thing
therapist: but it鈥檚 not about that thing
me: ok thx here鈥檚 $175
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I鈥檓 sorry I鈥檓 still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Hell yeah 馃憤
Welcome to your 40鈥檚: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 馃槇
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they鈥檙e going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I鈥檓 beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.