[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
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Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Trying
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.