my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
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When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Who knew!
Print is alive and well!!!
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Thoughts
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination