I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
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Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one