Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
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I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free