Nomnomnomnom
You Might Also Like
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
my astrological sign is a french fry
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place