How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
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I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.