How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
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TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats