5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
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*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
doing your own taxes
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!