I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
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Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.