If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
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8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”