I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
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operators are standing by to ignore your call
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
🤣😂
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Nice try, NASA
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
The two types of wives
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*