My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
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*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
broke down and did it
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Butt weight. There’s more!
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate