Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
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[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.