*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
You Might Also Like
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Good morning.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.