Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
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I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all