Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
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[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
thank god
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”