[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
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the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.