Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
You Might Also Like
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter