Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
You Might Also Like
The French word for sex is croissant.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.