Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
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All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
⚠️ Important Reminder:
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!