4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
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anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*