The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
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You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Stop sending me this shit.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us