DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
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I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Coffee is ready.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?