Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
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It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??