THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
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peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!