I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
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So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
3% human
97% stress
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
#Caturday
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore