The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
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[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
My work here is don’t.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls