if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
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Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.