My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
You Might Also Like
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball: