A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
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10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
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I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
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him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
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I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
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My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
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My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
And bowling should be called pinball
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
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*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
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“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist