Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
You Might Also Like
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Someone just threatened to call me later
This is a sub tweet
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.