Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*![]()
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nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
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You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
😂😂😂😂😂😂
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“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Hmm, not sure about this change
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I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!