My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
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sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
*swipes right on my hand mirror
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn