Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
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BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward