My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
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sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Sponch
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Shower sex be like:
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
hmm conte-me mais
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?