when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
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This squirrel eats better than I do
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i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
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me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
catch me on valentine’s day like
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Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?