when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
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Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare