me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
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Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work