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Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Sing it!
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too