I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
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The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
I have two kinds of followers
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.