My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
You Might Also Like
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?